Joke Thread

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell".

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?"

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Little Johnny says to his mother "Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."

The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to take you?".

Little Johnny says "No, let grandma... her hand shakes!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."

The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.

"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.

Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"

"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Health Tips From a Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

[washi me sensie]

Good ones frank!! lol!

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Good ones frank!! lol!

Thank you...........thank you very much!

 

[JayMann]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The
officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it.
Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case! "

 

[JayMann]

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove 3 hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it-who can he tell?"

 

[JayMann]

A 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?" "Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly. The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home. When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!" The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him. The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted." They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my bum is still sore."