Joke Thread

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says.

"What seems to be the problem?"

"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?"

"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?"

"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!"

"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?"

"I have! I still don't get enough."

"Take another lover."

"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!"

"Gosh, that's an anomaly."

"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?

They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?"

86% replied, "Not again"

 

[oakleybezerk]

The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the a$$."

In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

 

[oakleybezerk]

A Newfie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him, so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe."

She replies, "What? You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I mean I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table. Later, when I'm drunk."

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The barkeeper approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son of a bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Jesus Christ! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blowjob or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

 

[JayMann]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.""Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like ****!" Then I would say, "It is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.