Joke Thread

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

 

[Herbsley]

Q.
What have you got if you have twenty lawyers up to their necks in sh1t?

A.
Not enough sh1t.

 

[Herbsley]

Two flies sitting on a dog turd.

One fly says to the other, "Where's your friend Dave? I haven't seen him in a while."

Other fly says, "Oh, Dave's on the sick this week."

 

[JayMann]

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“Oh that crazy old fart…” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

 

[qBan]

*** first of all i read this from somewhere and i cant find the original joke, so imma do my best to rephrase it****


- A lizard is walking thru the jungle and sees a monley sittin up in a tree smokin weed.
The monkey goes: "you wanna come smoke with me?" the lizard replies :"yes i never smoked before"
After a few puffs, the lizards tells the monkey: "i gotta walk to the river and drink some water, my mouth is SOOO dry"
So the lizard walks down to the river, but falls in while dirnking the water, and an alligator comes and rescues him.
Alligator: "whats wrong with you?" Lizard: "i was smoking weed with this monkey"
The alligator laughs and says: " a monkey smoking weed, i gotta go see this"
so the alligator walks up to the monkey and goes: "Hey monkeyyyyyy!!!!!!
to which the monkey replies: "DAMN< HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?"


Thumbs up if you read the whole thing and actually get it, i did my best to remember***

 

[JayMann]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

 

[JayMann]

*** first of all i read this from somewhere and i cant find the original joke, so imma do my best to rephrase it****


- A lizard is walking thru the jungle and sees a monley sittin up in a tree smokin weed.
The monkey goes: "you wanna come smoke with me?" the lizard replies :"yes i never smoked before"
After a few puffs, the lizards tells the monkey: "i gotta walk to the river and drink some water, my mouth is SOOO dry"
So the lizard walks down to the river, but falls in while dirnking the water, and an alligator comes and rescues him.
Alligator: "whats wrong with you?" Lizard: "i was smoking weed with this monkey"
The alligator laughs and says: " a monkey smoking weed, i gotta go see this"
so the alligator walks up to the monkey and goes: "Hey monkeyyyyyy!!!!!!
to which the monkey replies: "DAMN< HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?"

Heard this one before so knew where you was going with it still funny!

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

*** first of all i read this from somewhere and i cant find the original joke, so imma do my best to rephrase it****


- A lizard is walking thru the jungle and sees a monley sittin up in a tree smokin weed.
The monkey goes: "you wanna come smoke with me?" the lizard replies :"yes i never smoked before"
After a few puffs, the lizards tells the monkey: "i gotta walk to the river and drink some water, my mouth is SOOO dry"
So the lizard walks down to the river, but falls in while dirnking the water, and an alligator comes and rescues him.
Alligator: "whats wrong with you?" Lizard: "i was smoking weed with this monkey"
The alligator laughs and says: " a monkey smoking weed, i gotta go see this"
so the alligator walks up to the monkey and goes: "Hey monkeyyyyyy!!!!!!
to which the monkey replies: "DAMN< HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?"


Thumbs up if you read the whole thing and actually get it, i did my best to remember***

:thumb:

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.

He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed.

He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.

He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"