Joke Thread

[JayMann]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. ​

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. ​

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. ​

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."​

 

[oakleybezerk]

Classifieds advertisment:

Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for fling. . . Must have large breasts, big lips, a tight arse, and. . . aaaaaw, fuksake, never mind!.

 

[oakleybezerk]

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.

Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"

3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"

"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!"

 

[oakleybezerk]

The police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my Wife.

They said "Is this your Wife Sir?"

Shocked, I answered "Yes!".

They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident".

I said "I know but she has a lovely personality!"

 

[Herbsley]

 

[oakleybezerk]

Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"

Bride says "Well . . . . .I'm a bit worried about taking it up the ar**!!!"

 

[oakleybezerk]

A woman walked into the kitchen only to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

Wife: “What are you doing?”

Husband: “Hunting flies”

Wife: “Oh! Kill any?”

Husband: “Yup, 3 males & 2 females”

Wife: “How can you tell them apart?”

Husband: “The three were on a beer can and the other two were on the phone”

 

[oakleybezerk]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards,forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



.
.
.
.
.
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f***ing car! You do it, you SMUG b**tard!"

 

[oakleybezerk]

SILENCE in an Irish Court
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b**tard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b**tard!"

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a**hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 

[Herbsley]

lool