Joke Thread

[kronin323]

Back to punchline-style jokes, here's a dirty one:

How do you recycle a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the f#ck out of it...

 

[oakleybezerk]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a golf ball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have sand wedge."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice." The boy says,
"I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad."
The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t with me again. You're in my closet now!"

 

[oakleybezerk]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.

If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

 

[oakleybezerk]

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real b*stard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.

He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an A** Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and Hostile?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A** Hole?"

"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

 

[oakleybezerk]

Adam and Eve
One day, a little girl asked her father: "How did the human race start?"

The father answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Next day, the little girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered: "Many years ago, there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

 

[oakleybezerk]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"

 

[oakleybezerk]

Not an uncommon site where I live, but if someone takes the initiative to come up with something original, you'll get my dollar.

 

[kronin323]

Not an uncommon site where I live, but if someone takes the initiative to come up with something original, you'll get my dollar.

lol - I saw a pic with a variation of that:

"Wife and dog kidnapped by ninjas. Please give for kung-fu lessons. Really want the dog back."

 

[oakleybezerk]

lol - I saw a pic with a variation of that:
"Wife and dog kidnapped by ninjas. Please give for kung-fu lessons. Really want the dog back."

So you're telling me this isn't original? Gonna make a U-turn and take my money back... that cheeky SOB!

 

[kronin323]

So you're telling me this isn't original? Gonna make a U-turn and take my money back... that cheeky SOB!

lol - I dug it back up again; it was in a news article. There's this Dallas artist named Willie Baronet who's been buying and collecting homeless signs for more than 20 years. This summer he's traveling across the US, looking for more signs and trying to raise awareness. This is from his collection: