Joke Thread

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[oakleybezerk]

Similar to what some of the forum members experience with their Oakley purchases.

 

[oakleybezerk]

A Loving Moment

A wife, being the very romantic sort, sent her husband a text message…

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.”

The husband replied,

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise…”

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Kid: “Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
Father: “No, my child. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

“Papa, what is the person called who brings you in contact with the spirit world?”
“A bartender, my boy.”

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

[oakleybezerk]

Australian Helpline

Opertor: "G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

Caller: "I'm in Darwin with me sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her fanny has completely closed up."

Operator: "Bummer mate!"

Caller: " Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

 

[i am rich]

Not a joke but a funny video

 

[oakleybezerk]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.