Joke Thread

[Herbsley]

Love that Valentine gag.

 

[michaelpule]

My ode to Mitch Hedberg:
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin says to the other muffin, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here."
The other muffin turns and says, "Holy ****, a talking Muffin!"

 

[JayMann]

haha

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

How do you make 100 old ladies yell, "****!" at the same time?

Have another one of them yell, "BINGO!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

One day an old man and his wife were sitting in their rockers. The old man reached over and grab his wife's breast and said, ''If these produced milk, we could get rid of the cow.'' Then he reached down and grabbed between her legs and said, ''If this was a little warmer, we wouldn't need the furnace.'' The old woman reached over and grabbed his **** and said, ''If this was a little harder, I wouldn't need your brother.''

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

''Why?' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

 

[oakleybezerk]

A bloke rings up the council and says ''I've just raped an ugly, fat woman!''

The woman from the council replies ''I think you should call the police if you want to confess''

The man says ''I don't want to confess anything, I just want you to fix the f***ing lights in the park.''

 

[TheaFang]

My ode to Mitch Hedberg:
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin says to the other muffin, "Is it just me, or is it hot in here."
The other muffin turns and says, "Holy ****, a talking Muffin!"

haha nice one.
I add mine here.

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"

"Oh! How nice it would be, " said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."