Joke Thread

[oakleybezerk]

 

[oakleybezerk]

RACE 3, Horse 11 and 12

What's the odds of this happening???

Attached is the form guide from Tuesday's Herald-Sun. (Melbourne Edition)

Check out Race 3 - Horses 11 and 12.

As you can imagine, there was plenty of hilarity when the race caller read through the starting line up!!

 

[oakleybezerk]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with
a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

 

[Ares176]

RACE 3, Horse 11 and 12

What's the odds of this happening???

Attached is the form guide from Tuesday's Herald-Sun. (Melbourne Edition)

Check out Race 3 - Horses 11 and 12.

As you can imagine, there was plenty of hilarity when the race caller read through the starting line up!!

What if horse number 3, 11 & 12 came in that order of 1-2-3?

 

[oakleybezerk]

What if horse number 3, 11 & 12 came in that order of 1-2-3?

There are several possibilities including this one: 11, 12, 4

 

[oakleybezerk]

A true example of a well written police report

 

[oakleybezerk]

If you cross the North Korean Border illegally you get 12 years hard labour.
If you cross the Afghan Border illegally, you get shot.
If you cross the Saudi Arabian Border illegally you will be jailed.
If you cross the Chinese Border illegally you may never be heard from again.
If you cross the Cuban Border illegally you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

HOWEVER
If you cross the South African Border illegally you get
-a job,
-a drivers license,
-a pension card,
-welfare grants,
-credit cards,
-a house,
-a free education and
-free health care.

Perks include
-weapons of your choice.

And in South Africa you can
-murder,
-use drugs,
-drink and drive,
-steal,
-rape

BUT PLEASE South Africans DON'T SMOKE in a public place - it is illegal.

 

[washi me sensie]

A true example of a well written police report

nice 1!

 

[jonoyong]

so i came across this on FB..

"A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week."

 

[i am rich]

A true example of a well written police report

Ooorah!