Joke Thread

[washi me sensie]

so i came across this on FB..

"A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week."

LOL!!!

 

[oakleybezerk]

If there was ever a time when a picture was worth a thousand words, it's now:

 

[oakleybezerk]

The reason why men hate cats...

View attachment 92434

View attachment 92435

 

[washi me sensie]

The reason why men hate cats...

HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! damn that must have hurt!!

 

[oakleybezerk]

Jokes in not unreasonably bad taste:

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk...
Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful b@stards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for F&$% sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ......
Chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b@stard, I was talking to the cat!'

 

[oakleybezerk]

Thibodeaux used to have a job as a long-haul truck driver, and on one particular trip, had been out on the road for three straight weeks.

As he is driving through Nevada, he stops into a house of ill repute just outside of Las Vegas.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want de ugliest woman you got in de house, and a bologna sandwich !!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

Thibodeaux replies, "Listen Cher, I knows what I wants. I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

 

[oakleybezerk]

At 3 am a desk clerk at the Holiday Inn gets a phone call from a very drunk-sounding Boudreaux, asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets another call from an even drunker Boudreaux.

"What time dussh de bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and Boudreaux calls again, plastered, "Whenjoo shay the bar opens at?"

The clerk getting more than a little impatient with this drunken lush answers, "I've already told you that it opens at noon, but if you absolutely can't wait, I can have room service bring something up to you."

Boudreaux tells the clerk, "Mais, No... I don't want's to git in... I'm tryin' to git OUT!!!"

 

[Rustpot]

I laughed pretty hard at this one.

 

[qtrain23]

I laughed pretty hard at this one.

I can't read it

 

[washi me sensie]

I laughed pretty hard at this one.

Cookie monster FTW!! lol!