Joke Thread

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

 

[oakleybezerk]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases
home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 106 Rose Cottage Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact,my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

[oakleybezerk]

 

[oakleybezerk]

The same can be said for Oakley & Non-Oakley Collectors...

 

[OakleyGuru379]

A penguin is driving through the desert when all of a sudden, his car breaks down. He calls AAA and has them tow his car to the nearest service station.

At the station, the mechanic tells the penguin; "you'll have to give me some time to look over the car and find the problem." With time to kill, and not being used to the desert heat, the penguin walks down the street from the service station to an ice cream parlor he had spotted on the way there. He orders a large vanilla cone.

The penguin walks back to the station, cone in hand, but the hot weather melts it faster than he can eat it, and pretty soon, the penguin has vanilla ice cream all over himself. He walks back into the station, a little irritated, and the mechanic spots him; "Well buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

"No" yells the penguin, "Its just ice cream!"

 

[OakleyGuru379]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?





Because he was dead.

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

I love the phone photo!

 

[oakleybezerk]

You can always rely on the Scottish for a good read...

 

[oakleybezerk]

At the end of the tax year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the tax man was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

" Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive, "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."