Joke Thread

[oakleybezerk]

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Indubitably

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't dance.
7. Oh, no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

 

[OakleyGuru379]

Found this online today

 

[oakleybezerk]

When you are over sixty five who gives a sh*t?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over sixty five who gives a sh*t?

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over sixty five who gives a sh*t?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

When you are over sixty five who gives a sh*t?

View attachment 86603

View attachment 86604

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

"I ran into a lawyer..."

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.
He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

[Frogskins]

Man comes home from work and tells his wife, "honey, I'm horny, let's have sex!"

The wife replies, "shhhhhhhhhhh! not so loud, the kids will hear you! Let's come up with a code phrase. Next time you wanna have sex, just say, honey, I need to use the washing machine, and I'll know what you mean ..."

So a few days later, the man says, "honey, I need to use the washing machine."

and off they go to the bedroom ...

This goes on for a while except one day, a few weeks go by, and the man hasn't asked to use the washing machine ...

The wife, feeling the urge, asks him one day at the dinner table, "honey, you haven't had a need to use the washing machine in quite a while."

To which he replies, "it's o.k. hun it was a small load ... I did it by hand ..."

 

[oakleybezerk]

A Tough issue

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply, and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to the Human Resources supervisor and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."

 

[Frogskins]

A Tough issue

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply, and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to the Human Resources supervisor and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget."

Oakley Frank?

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Oakley Frank?

If I was a short person I could picture me pulling something like that.

 

[oakleybezerk]