Joke Thread

[Mervillian]

What if horse number 3, 11 & 12 came in that order of 1-2-3?

I wonder if #10 is the result of #11 and #12?

 

[oakleybezerk]

In light of the time of year, I took some legal advice yesterday, and as a result I wish to say the following :

Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress , non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious
persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the Calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Britain is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, please be advised that you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.

It is freely transferable on the proviso that there is no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her /him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )

Name withheld ( Privacy Act).

 

[ericforman]

Not exactly a joke but anyways.

Came across this on Facebook and read the title before I saw the picture... Needless to say I was disappointed!

Ps marijuana is legal in Washington which is 5 miles away from me so there isn't any illegal activity here.

 

[oakleybezerk]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

[oakleybezerk]

Patrick texts his wife ......

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads. If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again.

 

[oakleybezerk]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant. Suddenly, an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, said she'll see him later, and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and demanded, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," said the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get divorced, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Bentley in the garage, no more yacht club, no more credit card and no more large Bank accounts. However, the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asked the wife.

"That's his mistress." said her husband.

"Ours is prettier!" she replied.

 

[washi me sensie]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant. Suddenly, an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, said she'll see him later, and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and demanded, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," said the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get divorced, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Bentley in the garage, no more yacht club, no more credit card and no more large Bank accounts. However, the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asked the wife.

"That's his mistress." said her husband.

"Ours is prettier!" she replied.

Lol! I wish I have a mistress too! and all that money!

 

[freakface]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant. Suddenly, an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, said she'll see him later, and walked away.

The wife glared at her husband and demanded, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replied the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," said the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get divorced, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Bentley in the garage, no more yacht club, no more credit card and no more large Bank accounts. However, the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asked the wife.

"That's his mistress." said her husband.

"Ours is prettier!" she replied.

HAHA....this never gets old. awesome!!! keep em coming...

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?"
"I was blowing bubbles." The judge then called in duck number two and asked him the same question. "Judge, I was blowing bubbles."
He then called in duck number three and said, "So let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No, I'm Bubbles."

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."
When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''