Joke Thread

[FearGearGarage]

Q: Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.



A: Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

 

[MrMoonlight]

The circus is in town, but the lion tamer suddenly quits the day before the opening show. The circus owner, desperate for a replacement, places an ad in the local paper:

WANTED: Lion tamer for the Ding-a-Ling Bros Circus.
Apply in person tomorrow 11 AM at the main tent. Urgent.

The next day at 11, two applicants show up in the tent. One is a hot young blonde and the other a guy in his thirties. They're standing at the empty lion cage.

The circus owner looks at the attractive blonde and asks, "So, young lady, you're a lion tamer?"

"Yes, sir. I sure am."

The owner yells out "Hey Virgil, bring out Leo!"

He tells both applicants, "Leo is the most ferocious lion we have, and we haven't fed him in three days. He's not in a good mood."

He turns to the blonde and says "Alright, sweetie. Get in there and show us what you can do."

She enters the cage with the lion roaring and snarling loudly. She starts unbuttoning her blouse and slowly peels it off. The lion roars. She then looks the lion in the eye and slips out of her jeans. Leo is suddenly silent. Next, she takes off her bra. The lion is calmer and approaches her…and she pets him. Finally she slides her panties down around her ankles and then kicks them into the corner of the cage. Leo, now totally sedate, starts purring and licking her naked body all over from head to toe.

The circus owner is amazed. "Damn!!! Leo's the most ferocious lion in the whole circus…and she tamed him in less than a minute! Just look! He's licking her body all over! All over! Unbelievable!"

He turns to the other applicant and asks, "Hey buddy, you think *you* could do that?"

The guy says, "F**k yeah, I could do that. But get that lion outta there first!"

=====================

"Hey folks, do you know how to keep a bunch of asshats in suspense?...
...I'll tell y'all tomorrow."
Ba-da-bum. Tsssss.

=====================

I'm here all week, folks. And try the fish.

 

[FearGearGarage]

A new Navy officer is out on his first float.
A few days out and he gets horny so he asks the Captain "What do you guys do when you get horny?"
The Captain said "Theres a barrel over there with a hole in it we use that"
The newbie replied "Great when can I use it"
The Captain said "Everyday other then tuesday"
The newbie asks "Why not tuesday?"
The Captain grins and says "Cause thats your day in the barrel."

 

[MrMoonlight]

"Cause thats your day in the barrel."

Ouch! :laugh:

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!"

"That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."

A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!"

"Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"

Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died."

"No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims.

"Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

 

[qtrain23]

A man

Lmao!

 

[MrMoonlight]

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

Q: What's the difference between a girl praying in church and a girl in the bathtub?
A: The girl in church is putting hope in her soul....

Q: What's the difference between a rifle with a crooked barrel and a constipated owl?
A: The rifle shoots and shoots and never hits...

 

[xmetalmaniac]

What is the difference between and oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer????

The taste......

 

[oakleybezerk]

What is the difference between and oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer????

The taste......

Awwwwwwww Man! Mental image inbedded... LMAO!

 

[gene]

A new Navy officer is out on his first float.
A few days out and he gets horny so he asks the Captain "What do you guys do when you get horny?"
The Captain said "Theres a barrel over there with a hole in it we use that"
The newbie replied "Great when can I use it"
The Captain said "Everyday other then tuesday"
The newbie asks "Why not tuesday?"
The Captain grins and says "Cause thats your day in the barrel."

Hahahaha. Epic!