Joke Thread

[oakleybezerk]

For those who haven't heard:​

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New Zealand just passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.​

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The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day ​

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makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says,

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"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."​

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We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!​

 

[oakleybezerk]

I saw a midget carrying a TV to his car today... I said: "Hey, u need help with that Plasma?" He said: "F*** off A**hole, its an iPad"

 

[JoeSchmo]

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted...

 

[oakleybezerk]

The back pew​

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.​

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After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.​

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After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.​

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A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.​

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After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."​

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The entire congregation said, "Amen."​

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[oakleybezerk]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Mexican, a Greek, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Spaniard, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Lithuanian, an Italian, a Pole, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked into a pub.

The bouncer says, “Sorry … I can’t let you in without a Thai”.

 

[JayMann]

Had to read that last bit a couple of times lol

 

[oakleybezerk]

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A Lesson in Government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****!''

 

[oakleybezerk]

 

[OakleyFrankFMJ]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"