Joke Thread

[JayMann]

Ha!

 

[jk-27]

On the BBC today - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

 

[TheaFang]

Ha!

All I see is your laughter.

 

[JayMann]

You should see my face lol

 

[TheaFang]

Another one for today
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery
and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment,
and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate;
he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.
"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[ÉIREGOBRÁCH1922]

One night, Mrs. Murphy answers a knock on the front door to see her husband's best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the Guinness factory.

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs. Murphy, there was a terrible accident at the Guinness plant, your husband fell into a large vat of Guinness stout and drowned!

Mrs. Murphy starts crying. Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly, she asks?

Paddy shakes his head. No, not really - he got out 3 times to piss!



Read more: http://www.news.com.au/travel/the-t...et/story-e6frfq7r-1226598312633#ixzz2cpFNgtZA

 

[ÉIREGOBRÁCH1922]

Paddy and Mickey Ned were walking passed the local church graveyard.

Paddy turns to Mickey Ned as says..."Do you know that the Irish National Crossword Champion died the other day and was buried in this very graveyard!?"

"No friggin way"...answers Mickey Ned.

"Yes it is true bejaysus", says Paddy. "I am not telling a lie".

Then says Mickey Ned to Paddy, "well where then exactly in the graveyard is he buried...?"

Pointing with his hand outstretched towards the corner of the graveyard and in a loud voice...Paddy replies. "Well he is buried 4 across and 6 down!"

 

[oakleybezerk]

A very angry man walked into the crowded local bar - waved his revolver around and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

 

[jk-27]

Now that is funny!

 

[Frogskins]

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's witness?

Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason ...